Finding Beauty in the Dissonance
by Hallon
Summary: Sequel to my story Rediscover Communication, set after the end of Say Goodnight, Gracie. This story picks up shortly after the end of the other one.


**A/N:** Sequel to my story _Rediscover Communication_ , set after the end of _Say Goodnight, Gracie_. This story picks up shortly after the end of the other one.

This is for all of you people who read my stories. Happy New Year to you!

 **Disclaimer:** Gilmore Girls is not mine. Not now, not ever.

* * *

 **Finding Beauty In The Dissonance**

He is afraid.

There is no way around it, so he finally acknowledges the feeling for what it is.

It's a feeling he's known often enough, but never quite like this.

It used to be a constant in his life, something always in the back of his mind.

But since moving to Stars Hollow he has somehow let himself relax.

And this time the fear is not for being caught stealing, or of physical harm.

It's the fear that he has screwed up beyond repair. And the only person to blame would be himself.

It's been creeping up on him, slowly but surely.

And truth be told, it wasn't until he saw Rory on the bus this morning that he actually realized what it was.

Blind, unwavering fear.

And now.

Now he's walking beside Rory over the town square, her small hand entangled with his.

And he can't quite wrap his mind around it.

They walk in silence, and the duffel bag on his shoulder serves as a reminder of just how far he was about to take this.

He still has a hard time trying to figure out just exactly what happened earlier in Hartford.

And he still can't believe he's here.

With Rory.

By now he could've been well on his way to the other side of the country.

But now, that thought doesn't offer the same sense of relief as it did this morning when he left.

Instead, it only fuels his fear, because really, he's just waiting for Rory to realize what a big mistake it was to bring him back here.

And as they near the diner, he can feel that awful tightening behind his ears and how his mouth goes dry.

This was such a bad idea.

And if it wasn't for the hand holding his, he isn't sure he would make it all the way.

But he does, and suddenly they are standing in the middle of the diner.

It is almost completely silent; the few customers mostly focusing on their food, and it only makes him even more on edge.

Then Luke appears from the kitchen and stops short, stunned.

"Jess."

He has to swallow before he speaks.

"Luke."

He can feel Rory squeezing his hand reassuringly.

"You want me to..."

He shakes his head.

"Ok. I'll wait down here then."

He looks away from Luke for a moment to give her a sideways glance.

Then he turns back to his uncle.

"Could I talk to you? Upstairs?"

Luke still looks stunned.

"Sure."

He doesn't wait, regretfully releasing Rory's hand before going in behind the curtain, and up the stairs.

Once up, he sinks down in a chair, more out of necessity than anything else, letting his duffel bag drop to the floor.

His mouth tastes of iron.

It's a flavor he's come to detest over the years.

Luke comes up shortly after and stops right inside the door to the apartment.

"So..."

"Yeah."

"You're here."

He just nods.

"You left."

It's a statement more than anything, an observation with nothing else attached.

"You kicked me out."

The words are automatic, the only real defense he has.

Luke sighs, walks over and sits in the opposite chair.

"I shouldn't have done that."

He frowns, having expected anything but that. Before he has come up with anything to say, Luke continues.

"I should have handled it better. I was angry, and I... I'm sorry."

He blinks, once, twice, not sure he heard right.

"What?"

"I wasn't expecting you to just run off the next morning.

"What did you expect?"

Luke shrugs.

"You never bothered listening to anything I said before. I guess I just thought you'd ignore this too."

"I quit smoking."

It's the only way he can think of to explain the fact that he not only listens to, but actually cares about, what Luke says.

"You... Yeah, you did."

"I did go to school too."

It's still a sore subject, probably will be for some time, but it has to come up eventually.

"Apparently not enough."

"I thought I did. I didn't realize cut off was at 20 days here. Stupid excuse, I know. It was 30 back at my old school."

"Oh. So..."

He laughs humorlessly, shaking his head at himself.

"Guess they don't have to take extreme measures to keep anyone in school around here."

"Not really, no."

Jess just sighs, feeling even more like the failure everyone deemed him to be.

"How bad is it?"

He blinks at Luke's question, then shrugs.

"I missed 31. Could've made that day up in summer school if needed. Or just made the final tests or whatever."

Luke looks surprised.

"You'd have gone to summer school?"

He shrugs again.

"Voluntarily?"

He has to suppress a scoff.

"Not much else to do around here with Rory in Europe the whole summer, and my car gone."

"Oh, right. Guess I didn't think of that."

Luke suddenly looks away, something flickering in his eyes. It looks almost like guilt, but Jess dismisses it.

"Yeah well..."

"So, what now?"

He sighs.

"I'm still not going back to school."

"Jess..."

"No."

"But..."

"I'm thinking about getting a GED though."

Luke is quiet for a few seconds. Then he almost smiles.

"Oh. You are?"

He shrugs.

"Gotta do something during summer, right?"

"Right."

"Have to look some things up and see how much I've got saved, but...I should be able to afford it."

"Ok. That sounds good."

"I guess."

"It's what I'd have suggested this morning. If you hadn't snuck out before I got the chance."

He cringes at the reminder.

"Sorry."

"Yeah well, you apparently realized it yourself."

He looks down at the table, feeling a bit uncomfortable.

"Um... It was actually Rory's idea."

"Oh."

"For some reason, she still thinks there's hope for me."

"I'm sure she has her reasons."

"Maybe."

Feeling increasingly uncomfortable, Jess searches for some way to change the subject. He sighs, realizing there's still that big question left.

And the only way to get there is to do the one thing he never does.

Except for her.

"So...I know I screwed this up, again, and I don't really deserve yet another chance, but would it be possible to stay here a little bit longer?"

"Sure."

The rest of his speech gets stuck on his tongue, and he finds himself staring at Luke across the table.

"Huh?"

"You can stay."

"Just like that?"

"No. There are some things that actually have to change, but I think you're starting to realize that for yourself."

"Yeah."

He sighs, leaning his arms on the table and stares out at nothing,

"You ok?"

He is startled out of his thoughts at Luke's concerned question.

"I'm fine."

It's another automatic response, one he's barely conscious of, but this time it feels bitter as it leaves his mouth.

"Jess..."

Luke's imploring tone makes something inside him snap, and he gets up from the chair, almost sending it crashing to the floor.

"Fine! I'm not ok. Is that what you want to hear? How I feel like this big stinking pile of shit? Am I ok? Fuck! All my life I've heard what a big disappointment I am, that the only thing I'll ever be good at is to screw things up. And guess what? I did. And I was about to bail on the only good thing that ever happened to me my entire life. Am I ok? Are you fucking kidding me? I don't even know what ok means."

He slumps down in the chair again, feeling suddenly drained; the emotional roller coaster that has been the last few days, weeks, months, years - it feels like forever, really - has finally come to a crashing halt.

"I'm sorry."

Luke's words once again startle him, and he stares at him in confusion.

"What?"

"I should've been there when you were a kid. I should've tried harder to make things better for you then. I did, at first, but you know your mother, so damn stubborn, and I always let myself be talked out of coming, of helping out, of everything really. I guess it was easier, which is a really crappy excuse, but there it is. I never liked going to New York, made me uncomfortable, so it wasn't hard for her to convince me things were ok. I should've gone anyway, I should've made sure things were actually ok. I should've done more sooner, not expect to be able to fix it all now. How the hell did I think I'd be able to do that? How..."

He finally finds his voice, interrupting Luke's ramble.

"Hey, stop it ok. It was never your responsibility."

"But..."

"There is no but. It just is. Ok?"

"I still feel I should've..."

Suddenly he's angry again because damn it, he doesn't need to be reminded of all the crappy stuff that happened in his life, and having Luke tell him that he could possibly have done something about it… Well, it kinda sucks, to be honest.

"And what good does that do now, huh? Does it change anything that happened? Will it make food miraculously appear on our table when I was five? Will it make Liz not be constantly drunk and actually remember to go to work so she could pay the rent when I was seven? Will it steer me clear of every crappy thing I ever did growing up on the streets of New York?"

"Jess..."

"You know the answer, Luke. It doesn't change a single damn thing, so just stop, ok?"

They stare at each other across the table, and finally Luke nods.

"Ok."

"Thank you."

"I'm still sorry."

"Yeah, I know. I am too."

They lapse into silence, and he has no idea where to go from here. It actually feels good to get it all out into the open, or at least as much as he can bear, but he is more than a little uncomfortable with Luke having knowledge of even the slightest part of his inner turmoil.

It's always just been in his own head, and it's scary as hell to know that it's now out there, out of his control.

Now Luke knows. And Rory.

Crap.

"So, what's the plan?"

He blinks, startled by the question.

"Huh?"

"What're you gonna do now?"

"Well, it hasn't been that long since I decided not to bail on my entire life, so I haven't really gotten that far yet."

"Hey, I'm just asking."

"Yeah, sorry. I just... I suppose I'll have to find a place of my own, and a job. Figure out how this GED thing works."

"I told you, you can stay here."

"I know. And I appreciate it. But I can't live with my uncle my whole life."

"Just...there's no rush, ok?"

"Thanks."

"And you've still got your job in the diner."

He nods gratefully, still not entirely certain this isn't some kind of ruse, but determined to not screw it up again nevertheless.

"What about Rory?"

In two seconds he's defensive again, once more reminded of that huge question mark they have become.

If there even is still a 'them' to speak of, now that she's had some time to think it all through.

"What about her?"

"You must have had some kind of talk before you got here."

"Yeah."

"And?"

"What?"

He knows he sounds terribly defensive, yet again, but he just can't help it.

"Does she know you were about to leave?"

He has to swallow before he speaks.

"Yeah."

"Oh."

"She was on the same bus as me this morning. Though with all the people, we were already in Hartford by the time she saw me. And then she got off to go to school."

"And you stayed on?"

He sighs, not really enjoying reliving those minutes.

"Yeah."

"But if you continued? How..."

"I didn't go very far. Walked back and spent most of the day on a bench at the bus stop."

"Where she came after school."

He nods.

"Not exactly the epitome of a happy reunion."

"She'd figured it out?"

"She isn't stupid."

"No, she isn't."

They sit in silence again.

"Why did you come back?"

"I just couldn't leave. I...didn't want to anymore. Maybe I never did."

"Why did you do it in the first place then?"

He shakes his head, unable to suppress a scoff.

"Shouldn't that be obvious?"

It's Luke's turn to look uncomfortable.

"Yeah."

He feels himself growing increasingly restless, his thoughts going back to Rory.

"You should talk to her again."

He blinks, feeling almost as if Luke could read his mind.

"I know."

"But...?"

He doesn't mean to say anything at all, but for some reason he just can't stop the words from spilling out.

"I keep thinking that when I go down in the diner, she will have come to her senses and realized what a big fucking mistake it was to ask me to come back here. And I can't..."

"Jess..."

Luke tries, but he can't stop there; for some reason he has to get all of it out.

"And the thing is, I couldn't even blame her if she did."

"You really care about her, huh?"

He doesn't say anything, not at all comfortable discussing this with Luke, or well, just about anyone really, and instead continues watching his own hands on the table.

"You can't hide out up here forever, you know."

Luke is right. Of course he is right. But that doesn't make facing Rory again any easier.

"I know."

He sighs, and looks back over at Luke.

"We ok, for now?"

"Yeah. We're good."

He nods, rubbing his hand over his face before standing up, trying to mentally prepare himself for what's to come.

"You need me in the diner today?"

"I could use some help around closing."

"Ok."

He takes a deep breath, walking out the door, stopping for a second when Luke speaks up behind him.

"She'll be there."

Strangely, he finds himself believing it, and the knot that's been forming in his stomach loosens a bit.

"I'll see you at closing."

"We'll talk more tonight."

It's strange, but the prospect of actually talking to Luke doesn't feel at all as daunting now as it did just the day before.

He leaves the apartment and descends the stairs to the diner, pausing briefly just before pushing through the curtain.

He sees her immediately.

She's sitting on a stool at the counter, an open textbook and a cup of coffee in front of her, and the relief is almost overwhelming.

He stops right inside the diner, needs a moment to get his bearings straight, and takes a deep breath to steady himself.

Then she looks up, and their eyes meet.

She smiles hesitantly, and he doesn't even fight it when his own lips turn upwards, mirroring hers.

"Hi."

She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, watching him curiously.

"Hi."

He detaches himself from the door frame, stepping out fully from behind the curtain.

"You want to go somewhere?"

"Yeah."


End file.
